*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
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Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle