My dog after a walk in the woods.
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Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
the official breakfast of 2021
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Saturday
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
ibopfufen
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.