Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.