“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back