I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Siri, fight Alexa.
Dune (2021)
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.