Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Generation gap…
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
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