11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
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me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
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“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
(2022)
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Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
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Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
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