I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Cause of death: Zumba
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Rt to bother an English speaker
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.