Death certificates are our last participation award.
You Might Also Like
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night