Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.