Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Very problematic
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.