Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
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Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
damn he’s good
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.