Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…