If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.