Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around