My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.