when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t