Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
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Still my favourite meme.
Why don鈥檛 they make posters that go this hard anymore
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
鈥楽up.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Best goalkeeper.. 馃槄
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don鈥檛 like, and back with the co-workers you don鈥檛 like
WIFE: What鈥檙e you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don鈥檛 do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you鈥檙e still reading this.
2. maybe it鈥檚 time to logout, champ.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
OH. COME. ON.