Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*