I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
You Might Also Like
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged