ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
had to share :’)
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Don’t snitch tag.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive