Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Aquarius: This week you鈥檙e feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Every time I see a turtle up close I鈥檓 like man this is not a good idea for an animal
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they鈥檙e usually $12
waiter: today they鈥檙e special
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I鈥檓 getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
馃ザ馃ザ馃惗馃惗
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he鈥檚 doing today
鈥擨nterviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
it’s the silliest best thing
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
How to find Kentucky on a map