I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
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Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.