H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.