[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Bring back the McRib
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..