My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.