No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
💻🤡
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.