He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I think about this a lot
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.