how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
You Might Also Like
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
lmao
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree