absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Finally!
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing