Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap