ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
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coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
The USS B port
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Ron is short for Aaronald