Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
That took me a moment.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Software Development ⛵️
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”