It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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