Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
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Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Not today. 😅
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?