Want to talk trash? Recycle.
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Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.