Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Banking tips
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.