17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
watching gymnastics
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
“i am a sweet baby”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names