Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
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Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Yup….perfect score!
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Air conditioning – not a fan
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
What