when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
he’s doing your taxes
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.