Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Check your privilege
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Morning my dudes.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”