Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.