Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…