just make the entire table out of coaster
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My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time