Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.