Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
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Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers