A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .