[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.