My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Straight people are cancelled
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.