Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets